Am no longer peeping at what's past especially
ones which are not worth to look at and think about.
I believe the world has yet to end. Insya'allah...
Love is all around me.. :
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Life Is Beautiful
When I listen closely enough, I can almost hear the voices whispering in the back of my mind. And there are times when, for just a fleeting moment, I ask myself those questions. But just for a moment. Then I throw those thoughts aside and try to get on with my life. I know that they will return often to haunt me, but I suppose it's only human nature that they do.
'I told you so...'
But how can you stop someone from falling in love?
I can't remember how it started, but not many people remember how they started to love someone, if love, indeed, has a start.
It was a tiny little feeling I consciously tucked away at the bottom of my heart but suddenly it burst into full bloom in a matter of seconds and it left me dazed for quite a while. That's how you feel when you realise for the first time you're in love; your life shines a little bit brighter, your eyes gaze a little bit wider, your mind thinks a little bit clearer, your spirit soars a little bit higher...
And your heart beats a little bit faster, though you don't really know if it's because of the possibility of the good that may come, or the other possibility.
The greatest thing with being in love, is that you believe nothing impossible. And that, unfortunately, is also the greatest curse. Nothing can pull you away from it. Nothing can reason with you to hold your heart. Nothing can make you tell yourself, 'Whoah, hold your horses there for just one minute. Art thou sure?' Because sometimes, you are just a puppet and a victim of some cosmic joker with a morbid sense of humour.
It took quite a bit of courage to admit I had fallen in love, if I had a say in this at all. I knew that to even have the slightest hope, I had to give up everything I had. And that meant dropping everything I had planned, including forgoing a place in an overseas and disappointing my parents.
It was beautiful, and all the possibilities seemed endless. It was a fairy-tale start to our relationship. We started talking more, having our meals together, going out when time allows, then during the weekends. Never once did I take our relationship for granted and I treasured every moment I spent with him. And because I believed that there was no such thing as a perfect relationship, it made it so much more interesting. I knew that the future would not be smooth, but I knew, too, that we had a chance to create something so beautiful between the two of us. Many people said that it would not work out, and I wanted so badly to prove them all wrong.
I was proven wrong.
From how we were together, I didn't think that it would be thus. I was reckless, the world was before me for the taking. He had seen enough of him share, he had too much to lose, and didn't dare commit himself. It was a gamble he didn't dare take. Opposing views from his friends and the pressure to conform to societal norms slowly took their toll... He started to hold me at arms length. He offered no explanation, I asked for none.
It was on a cloudy March afternoon when lightly took his and kiss, told him, to take care of himself, and walked away without looking back.
It almost worked out between us, and considering the circumstances which we were faced with, I should be happy that I had achieved more than what I dared expect in the beginning, and I had achieved much more than what other gals might have. I should be happy, but I am not.
I'm no hypocrite.
There is no use trying to describe how I felt that day, and many days after. No words will ever come close. The feeling that I'll never see him or hear his voice again, the feeling that I'll never be there should he ever need my help or simply need someone to talk to, the feeling of what might have been, instead of what has, the feeling that some other gal will hold his in her arms and not love him enough.
So many feelings.
There is one image that constantly comes to mind. An image that always holds my heart in an icy grip. An image of him many many years from now, lying in his bed, and thinking back on this brief incident in his life, and wondering what would his life would be like then, had he said 'yes' to me.
A song from Les Miserables relates. Knowing that it is Cosette whom Marius loves, and she would never have him, Eponine sings:
I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone, the river's just a river
Without him, the world around me changes
The trees are bare, and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers
I love him
But everyday I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me his world will go on turning
The world is full of happiness
That I have never know
I love him, I love him, I love him...
But only on my own
Yet, amidst all this hurt and pain I have to endure, and the scars I have to bear, there is one small comfort I can take. If I were able to live this same life all over again, knowing the hurt I would feel and the failures I would have to live with, I would still choose the same paths, because it would never be me to not try. I would rather attempt and fail than spend the rest of my life wondering if I could have succeeded.
A good friend once told me: as far as the heart is concerned, we can never 'get over' someone we truly love, we can only 'get on' with life. How true.
Months passed and I received a phone call from him. he called to ask how I was and we talked for a little while. he didn't have a right to call and his gesture was insensitive to my feelings. After we hung up, I was a little angry. And yet, I was happy that he had the grace to call. At least I knew that he was well and it was good to hear his voice again.
I was happy in a sad sort of way, but mostly, I was confused.
It's hard to describe my feeling afterwards, knowing that after that, he would go on living his separate life, and I mine. The feeling was... a chilling emptiness.
I still love him.
Life has to go on, but I am tired.
I will sleep for a while
'I told you so...'
But how can you stop someone from falling in love?
I can't remember how it started, but not many people remember how they started to love someone, if love, indeed, has a start.
It was a tiny little feeling I consciously tucked away at the bottom of my heart but suddenly it burst into full bloom in a matter of seconds and it left me dazed for quite a while. That's how you feel when you realise for the first time you're in love; your life shines a little bit brighter, your eyes gaze a little bit wider, your mind thinks a little bit clearer, your spirit soars a little bit higher...
And your heart beats a little bit faster, though you don't really know if it's because of the possibility of the good that may come, or the other possibility.
The greatest thing with being in love, is that you believe nothing impossible. And that, unfortunately, is also the greatest curse. Nothing can pull you away from it. Nothing can reason with you to hold your heart. Nothing can make you tell yourself, 'Whoah, hold your horses there for just one minute. Art thou sure?' Because sometimes, you are just a puppet and a victim of some cosmic joker with a morbid sense of humour.
It took quite a bit of courage to admit I had fallen in love, if I had a say in this at all. I knew that to even have the slightest hope, I had to give up everything I had. And that meant dropping everything I had planned, including forgoing a place in an overseas and disappointing my parents.
It was beautiful, and all the possibilities seemed endless. It was a fairy-tale start to our relationship. We started talking more, having our meals together, going out when time allows, then during the weekends. Never once did I take our relationship for granted and I treasured every moment I spent with him. And because I believed that there was no such thing as a perfect relationship, it made it so much more interesting. I knew that the future would not be smooth, but I knew, too, that we had a chance to create something so beautiful between the two of us. Many people said that it would not work out, and I wanted so badly to prove them all wrong.
I was proven wrong.
From how we were together, I didn't think that it would be thus. I was reckless, the world was before me for the taking. He had seen enough of him share, he had too much to lose, and didn't dare commit himself. It was a gamble he didn't dare take. Opposing views from his friends and the pressure to conform to societal norms slowly took their toll... He started to hold me at arms length. He offered no explanation, I asked for none.
It was on a cloudy March afternoon when lightly took his and kiss, told him, to take care of himself, and walked away without looking back.
It almost worked out between us, and considering the circumstances which we were faced with, I should be happy that I had achieved more than what I dared expect in the beginning, and I had achieved much more than what other gals might have. I should be happy, but I am not.
I'm no hypocrite.
There is no use trying to describe how I felt that day, and many days after. No words will ever come close. The feeling that I'll never see him or hear his voice again, the feeling that I'll never be there should he ever need my help or simply need someone to talk to, the feeling of what might have been, instead of what has, the feeling that some other gal will hold his in her arms and not love him enough.
So many feelings.
There is one image that constantly comes to mind. An image that always holds my heart in an icy grip. An image of him many many years from now, lying in his bed, and thinking back on this brief incident in his life, and wondering what would his life would be like then, had he said 'yes' to me.
A song from Les Miserables relates. Knowing that it is Cosette whom Marius loves, and she would never have him, Eponine sings:
I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone, the river's just a river
Without him, the world around me changes
The trees are bare, and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers
I love him
But everyday I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me his world will go on turning
The world is full of happiness
That I have never know
I love him, I love him, I love him...
But only on my own
Yet, amidst all this hurt and pain I have to endure, and the scars I have to bear, there is one small comfort I can take. If I were able to live this same life all over again, knowing the hurt I would feel and the failures I would have to live with, I would still choose the same paths, because it would never be me to not try. I would rather attempt and fail than spend the rest of my life wondering if I could have succeeded.
A good friend once told me: as far as the heart is concerned, we can never 'get over' someone we truly love, we can only 'get on' with life. How true.
Months passed and I received a phone call from him. he called to ask how I was and we talked for a little while. he didn't have a right to call and his gesture was insensitive to my feelings. After we hung up, I was a little angry. And yet, I was happy that he had the grace to call. At least I knew that he was well and it was good to hear his voice again.
I was happy in a sad sort of way, but mostly, I was confused.
It's hard to describe my feeling afterwards, knowing that after that, he would go on living his separate life, and I mine. The feeling was... a chilling emptiness.
I still love him.
Life has to go on, but I am tired.
I will sleep for a while
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... family... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes
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